Utah - Scientists announced yesterday that the north magnetic pole has shifted its position and is now located directly under Lindon Utah, specifically under the corporate headquarters of SCO, Inc.
President and CEO of SCO Darl C. McBride said his company is looking forward to the opportunity to utilize and exploit this new opportunity. "Owning magnetic north, er, I mean SCO-North, will become a huge profit center for SCO. Our first order of business will be to facilitate the transfer of ownership of SCO-North from its previous owner to us. Thus, we've initiated breach of contract proceedings against Santa Claus."
When asked whether suing such a beloved fictional character would harm SCO's image, McBride responded, "SCO is a beloved by all. As the sole owner of UNIX and all its derivatives, the entire world looks to SCO for its leadership, quality products, and impeccable corporate responsibility."
McBride went on to address his company's intent to sue all manufacturers and users of compasses. "If you want to point to our headquarters, you're going to have to pay for our proprietary property. We've invested heavily in this land and we're not going to just sit and let others use it for free."
When asked how users will adjust to paying for something they've long been using for free, McBride stated, "We're going to make this as painless as possible for the user. Users will be able to access SCO-North by simply purchasing a yearly license and a new SCO compass. We'll even offer family discounts."
Anita Coney, spokesperson for Compass Manufacturing Amalgamated, responded to SCO's legal action by saying, "No one owns magnetic north. The idea is simply asinine. It'd be like saying that one company owed Linux! This is bull-shit and McBride knows it."
Microsoft is the first and only company to come out in favor of SCO-North and has purchased an exclusive license to use it on maps published on the internet. CEO Steve Ballmer was quoted as saying, "Let Google try to create maps without a north! We've won this round suckers!"
